the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
