apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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