Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
