I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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