just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
