So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
