my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
