so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I think my moral compass just broke
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
