Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
