Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
