I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
