I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
