Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
