Already got asked if we're dating
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
