just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
