I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
