I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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