oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
