Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
