yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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