His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
