Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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