before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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