i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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