escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
