when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
