I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude, Erin Andrews has a nude video circulating the internet.
Is it any good?
Let me put it this way: I bet Stuart Scott's lazy eye went straight after watching that.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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