i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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