so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
