my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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