I can text with my tongue
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
