u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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