Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
