Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
