I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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