i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
