nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
