Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
