he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
