I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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