My first STD was from a foam party
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
