nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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