i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
