Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
