so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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