She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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