I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
