I just threw up on my dentist
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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