gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
