I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Randomize
